2011 – starting over

i was introduced to this process almost 2 years ago by a friend.

i had started by watching the History Of Man series and then i moved on to the Design of Life series and the solutions. i was walking with a friend and she was very much into the material, she had let go of old beliefs and was very much “into” this new idea of desteni.

i, on the other hand, didn’t fall head over heals… i saw the common sense in what i heard, i enjoyed the simple application, i appreciated the straight forwardness, but i didn’t get into it, i didn’t apply myself, i took it in as knowledge, supporting my point of view on and about the world. i didn’t let anything go because my belief system was never a strong one, i never really held on to one belief, i always knew i don’t have any real tools to understand reality, so i could believe anything and nothing at the same time.

but i was acting like i was very much into it, i started preaching to people about the value of self forgiveness, and about self honesty. i was very aggressive with my communication, trying to get people to see my point, trying to make them understand equality and oneness, wanting them to stop what they are doing and join me, so we can walk together.

i had a very strong sense of how everything else is bullshit, not completely, but just nothing else actually gives a full picture of reality, nothing else is so consistent whether it’s ‘Kabalah’, or ‘Buddhism’, or ‘Byron Katie’, or meditation, or energy work, or religion, or ‘Tantra’, whatever it was that it always had gaps and holes, Inconsistencies…

with desteni it was different, they spoke of oneness in such a way i couldn’t disagree with, and also i come from a physics background and within physics it is obvious we are all one, not separate at all. and they spoke of equality, and that made perfect sense. and since then everything i heard from desteni is with alignment to these two point, not once did i find a contradiction with these basic principles. and that’s what i was looking for. Something consistent, that i could trust.

But i still didn’t apply myself, i had major resistance towards self forgiveness, and writing. then the vloging point came along and i had some resistance there to, but could walk through it, and then i stopped, my excuse is that my camera isn’t working… but i know within self honesty that if i wanted to vlog, i would get it fixed..

since i started this process i have had many ups and downs of how i apply myself, sometime i write for a few days and feel good about myself, then other times i don’t write for weeks and fall deeper and deeper into self judgment and self pity, feeling i cannot push myself and so on..

i have realized how much power my mind has over me, the backchat of my mind is extensive and many time i just feel like i can’t beat it, like it is much more powerful than myself.

i know i am the one giving it power as i participate with it, but i know it now, as i type, in real time i am powerless… forgetful of all that i have learned and know through this process and just feel and fall into powerlessness and giving up.

as i am writing this blog, i realize how affecting writing is, and i can understand more the value of writing self forgiveness and self corrective statement, because it is actually self support within mapping out all the bumps in the road and preparing myself to face them, writing to myself what to do, how to direct myself when i face the point of giving up for example.

so let me apply this now…

i forgive myself that i’ve accepted myself to fall into the pattern of giving up

i forgive myself that i’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe the backchat of my mind as more powerful than myself

i forgive myself that i’ve accepted and allowed myself to be directed and consumed by the backchat of my mind, instead of stopping it

when I see myself go into my mind within backchat, and start feeling self pity and powerless, I must stop and breathe.

I am here, I am not my mind, I am not backchat

I do not allow myself to be directed by the voice in my head

I stand up and jump, I feel/touch my body, I connect to myself as the physical, that is what is here, the physical is here to support me realize myself as one with and as the physical.

When I go into the mind, I stop, I return here, I breathe

i have made a decision to start over, i stop the judgment within expectation, i allow myself to be humble, i return to my innocence, there is no point to abuse myself within judgment and all that goes with it, as guilt and shame. i stop it all and push myself to walk, one with desteni, one with and as life.

there is a very dedicated group of individuals that are walking this process and i am determined to equalize myself to them, i am use to looking up to them, and comparing myself within criticism, but i realize all you guys are here as support, showing me the way i can walk if only i push myself.

thank you for being dedicated

thank you for sharing yourself and pushing yourselves

i am a few steps behind, i’ve always been a slow walker, but i am walking with, not allowing myself to give up, and will push myself to share more so i can be transparent with where i am within my process

anyone that is reading this and is not aware of the Desteni I process, i highly recommend you check it out.

as i’ve said there has never been anything like it before, you will face yourself as honestly as you are ready to, and you will walk as far and as fast as you can/will push yourself. it is all up to you, this is your individual process, but we are all walking together, creating a community of support.

thank you

till next time

Maya

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s